BUT HE IS!!!!
I had a cat when I was younger. His name was Frosty, and he was the most beautiful Russian Blue. He was fat, my mother preferred to say well loved, and chill. I used to joke I wanted to marry a man like Frosty. He was quietly affectionate, loved Jazz, enjoyed a good cuddle, and was just an all around sweetie.
First of all, he talks. All. The. Time. I literally did not have any idea that cats could be so damn talkative. First thing in the morning, before I've had any coffee or even gone to the bathroom there he is having a completely one-sided conversation with me through meows. When we get home at night, there he is bounding down there stairs meowing in such a way, that it seems like we are being scolded for letting in cold air, or leaving him alone so long. When Boomer does her homework, he lays down on whatever piece of paper she isn't writing on at the moment and proceeds to 'talk' to her for 10 minutes.
Secondly he is a licker. He licks us all the time. If there is an extremity near his mouth he will lick you. If it is not near his mouth he will move until it is, and then lick you. I suppose this is sweet. It's his way of claiming us.
'Dis human mine. I bath dis human. Dis human so stinky. Why dis human never lick herself clean?'He will hold your arm in his paws if you try to move away from his loving bath. I think we all know that cat tongues feel like sandpaper. If we sit together on the couch to watch Star Trek I have to eventually hide my hands under a blanket. Undeterred he will then head for my chin.
Oh yeah. He likes Star Trek. I have finally trained him to sit in my lap, and not the coffee table when it's on, but he loves that shit.
He will play fetch. I'm not sure why, but he will play fetch with one hot pink feathered toy with Boomer.
Jack is my boy though. At night, when Boomer has gone to bed, he will sit with me while I read or while we watch Star Trek. He sits next to the tub while I soak, every once in awhile testing the water temp with his paw, or 'talking' to me to make sure I'm alive. He is happy to see me when I come home. He is happy to see me when I wake up. He's even happy to see me when I return from taking out the trash. I know a lot of people are down on cat's because they don't seem to be as blindly loving and loyal to their owners as dogs. I think maybe you just haven't met the right kitty boy yet.
Yes. We call him kitty boy. In baby talk. Whatever.