Today I'm in a bit of a funk. To be perfectly honest my heart hurts.
So I opened up a bottle of white and started reading old diaries.
I found poetry that I'd written about boyfriends. Its AWFUL melodramatic, my life will be meaningless without you, drivel. I was so passionate though. If I loved those boys, because let's face it, some of them I didn't, I loved hard.
I wonder what happened to that girl? She was so passionate and driven. She had big dreams, at one point involving a J.D. and an M.D. (Bish was a little nutty.) ....somewhere along the way she got lost.
Parts of her are still here. I love my friends fiercely. If they need me I'm there. Crying middle of the night phone calls, early a.m. skyping sessions. If I don't hear from you for awhile and you're not responding on your phone, fb, or twitter, I will call the cops on your butt. Yes I'm THAT friend.
I still have dreams. They aren't as grandiose as they used to be.
I'm still loud. I'm still high-energy. I can still get lost in a book for hours. I still run from my mother's basement after I turn off the lights. I still jam to N'Sync. (And just boybands in general....though what IS the fuss over One Direction?)
I'm not sure where this post is going....its just a stream of consciousness at this point. I just find so many of those friends telling me that they miss HER. I want to scream I'm right HERE!!!!! When so many people are saying the same thing it makes you wonder. How much have I allowed myself to change because of a situation I can, but don't, control. At what point is enough, enough?
I don't write this to worry anyone, because I am fine. I just felt the need to get it all out.