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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Mommy Confessions: I'm an asshole

I'm not THAT kind of mother.

My friends say that to me all the time.

I laugh and say 'I know! Right?'

Because I'm not. I'm the kind of mother that keeps it real. That doesn't care for other people's children. That thinks that if Boomer CAN do something for herself that she SHOULD. That when she falls, or trips, doesn't allow her to have a meltdown. You don't have time for meltdowns over skinned knees.

See my mother, is THAT kind of mom. She packed my lunch everyday and put in cute little notes. Or drew detailed pictures on the outside of the brown bag. (I've actually kept some of the really great ones.) My mom stayed home with me. She took me to extracurriculars. She was very present and involved in my life. Sure my mom had friends, interests, and a life outside of me. But she just was THAT kind of mom.

Which is why the following two stories appalled her. And cracked me up.

Boomer stayed with Mom during her Spring Break for a few days. Boomer would have to accompany her Mom to her acupuncture appointment. Boomer would have to behave and be quiet on said appointment.

Now Boomer is active anyway. However lately we have been having intermittent bouts of some behavior that Momma (myself and Boom) doesn't like. I know that divorce is hard on kiddos, but Boomer has the chain.

So while my mother is calmly and sweetly explaining to Boomer, how she knows she is good girl and that she can behave during her appointment, I am giving Boomer side eye. And once my mother finished her nice cop routine, this is what I told my daughter.

'I'm sending a note with Mimi. The note will say that if you act up, the acupuncturist has my permission to stick needles in your eyes.'

Yep....I'm an asshole. gets better. While Boomer's eyes are effectively as big as saucers and her bottom lip is shaking I continue with my story.

'When they stick needles in the corners of your eyes it paralyzes you. You won't be able to talk or move around anymore. I'll also call in to find out how you were. If I find out you were naughty, not only will they stick needles in your eyes; I'll also schedule a follow up appointment for you with the acupuncturist.' (I HAVE actually thought about taking her for acupressure....)

Boomer was freaked out. To the point that she was silently eating. She is never silent.

Mom was giving me a disapproving look.

I was satisfied I'd scared her enough for her to behave.

Then Mom calls me the morning of her appointment to tell me that Boomer is so upset that she won't eat because she thinks they are going to stick needles in her eyes.

So I had to eat crow.

I apologized and explained to Boomer that I wouldn't let anyone put needles in her eyes.

Turns out she behaved quite nicely for Mom without being scared out of her mind by me.

Then yesterday morning.....

Boomer was having an EPIC tantrum because I told her 'No you may not watch TV, you need to get dressed.'

'I HATE YOU!!! You're the worst Mommy EVER!'

Then she slammed the bathroom door.

Now back in my didn't slam doors. Ever. Not if you weren't paying the bills.

I was about to get up and give her a piece of my mind....and then I heard it.

She was rattling the door back and forth. She was STUCK!!!!

Oh did I die laughing....and then text my friends about it....and laughed some more.

Boomer was crying about being stuck....and I let her for a second. Because I'm THAT kind of mother. I don't want her to learn from her mistakes. I'd prefer that she learn from other peoples. However, if you learn not to slam doors in my house because you got stuck in the bathroom, so be it!

I'm an asshole.
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Unknown said...

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! This literally made me bust out laughing. This is one of the many reasons I love you. Keepin it real girl! We ALL have MANY of these moments. Whatever works.

K @ Keeping Up With K... said...

Love it! My sister and you would get along great - that is exactly her parenting style too - she is constantly trying to scare her kids into listening! LOL

Whitney Ellen said...

I wish you had this last part on tape. Seriously, I do.

Nicole said...

I think I slammed the door once when I was a kid...and my Mom gave me a nice smack with the belt. It didn't hurt much, but it sure as hell taught me my Mom didn't play, lol. The last part is hysterical. Just wait until she's older and you tell her that story!

Shawna said...

Whitney, you are my favorite kind of asshole :) ( I mean that in the nicest possible way!) why don't other parents do this?

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...


This is so freaking hilarious. And you've summed up me & my mom quite well. We had a long discussion this evening about why Benjamin's strawberries do NOT need to be room temperature (me: "He'll survive." my mom: "But he doesn't liiiike them cold! He makes faces!"). I don't hover around him, helping him do EVERYTHING - I totally agree he should do the things he can, himself. And try to do things he can't, so he can learn.

Seriously. I cannot freaking stop laughing about the needles in the eyes. And the paralysis. I almost just woke up Ben by snort laughing.

You, my friend, are my kind of girl!

Karen M. Peterson said...

Oh my gosh, I totally got stuck in my bedroom once after slamming the door. I was in high school. It was humiliating!

But I love my mom for laughing about it.